Match a pitch, you

/ Editor, Witcraft

These pieces were written for the Six Sentence Challenge, with the prompt word of ‘match’

  1. From the Bungle Bungles Bugle Classifieds

Hatch

Donna E. Mobile, born to Concetta Verdi and Homer Mobile in their camper van, somewhere between Yackandandah and Teddy Bear’s Gap, brother for Apple and Orange.

Abel Paradise-Gardener, born to Eve Paradise and Adam Gardener, brother for Cain, in the Gardens of Eden Hospital in Woop Woop.

Match

Salome Dancer (nee Zup) married Rudolph Reindeer in the freezer at the Yorkey’s Knob Supermarket, with the bridesmaids wearing earmuffs and the groomsmen wearing codpieces.

Gladys ‘Slippery’ Slide married Arthur ‘Azza’ Rule at the Bottom Hole Buffeteria, in matching woodwork aprons, with the couple to adopt the married name of Slide-Rule.

Dispatch

Quaker Wilde Oates, died suddenly at 96 at Mount Mistake, shot by a jealous husband, mourned by an unknown number of offspring.

Phyllis Tine, died at Useless Loop, aged 64, when her lifelong floor-to-ceiling collection of home decorating magazines collapsed on her in her bed.

(Note: All locations mentioned in this piece are actual places in Australia.)

2. It’s in his DNA

Bert: Hi, Dave, how’s it going with that historical DNA database project?

Dave: Progressing every day, Bert, as we get more and more access to graves, items worn by currently and historically interesting people, samples from known descendants and all manner of sources.

Bert: Well, Dave, I have to say that I’m beginning to hear a lot of scientists pooh-poohing the idea that such tracing is even possible, let alone reliable, and that it’s mostly a commercial scam.

Dave: Just setting aside that professional and personal insult for the moment, Bert, what would it take to convince you of the validity of our work?

Bert: Assuming you’ve got a sample for Vladimir Putin, run that through your system and let’s see what comes up.

Dave: (after several minutes) We have a match!  Joseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili, born in Georgia in 1879, later adopting the name Joseph Stalin …. Bert, Bert, wake up, speak to me, Bert..

29 thoughts on “Match a pitch, you”

  1. Oh, Doug! You always bring us entertainment–often riotously funny! My fave part–Phyllis Tine succumbing to injuries when the stack of magazines fell on her–good grief, she was a bit slow in culling out some of them 🙂

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          • Aha…you know, I had a feeling you’re a man who cooks…just by studying your gravatar or avatar, whatever it’s called that identifies you somewhat 🙂 I could share recipes–but I wonder if the ingreds and measurements would be difficult to manage since I’m in the US and you’re in the lovely faraway… I suppose that’s what Google’s for 🙂 I have a wonderful recipe I call “Cheater Fudge” because it’s just too easy, and people think I’ve slaved over a stove to make it 🙂

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          • I await your cheater fudge with bated breath. 🙂 Measurements are easy to manage via Lord Google but ingredients are sometimes more challenging. Here’s a couple of highly addictive snacks to start you off:

            Nuts and bolts

            • 295g nutrigrain cereal
            • 375g salted peanuts
            • 1 pack French onion soup mix
            • 1 pack cream chicken soup mix
            • 1 tablespoon curry powder
            • 1 teaspoon mustard powder
            • 1/2 cup vegetable oil
            Directions
            Place nutrigrain and peanuts in a bowl.
            1. Warm oil over low-medium heat. Remove from heat and stir through dry powders.
            2. Pour flavoured oil over nutrigrain/peanut mix and stir to coat all ingredients.
            3. Store in a sealed container.

            Salted Caramel Crack – from Annabel Crabb
            Ingredients
            Serves 10
            • 1 x 250g (9 oz.) pack of Salada biscuits (I think your equivalent is Saltines)
            • 200g butter (7 oz)
            • 185g (1 cup) soft brown sugar
            • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
            • generous pinch of salt
            • 200g (7 oz) dark chocolate, chopped
            • 50g (2 oz) slivered pistachios
            • 15g (1 oz) dried cranberries
            Method
            Rummage through your baking trays to find one that will fit three Saltine crackers in one direction and four in the other. You can of course snap them to fit if you can’t find quite the right tray, but this is the surface area you’re after. Line your baking tray with foil and then baking paper and lay out the Saltines in a single layer.
            To make the caramel, melt the butter and sugar together in a saucepan, over medium heat, then cook, stirring occasionally, for about 5 minutes. The caramel should be thick and gloopy, and bubbling away sullenly. Stir in the vanilla and salt. Take the caramel off the heat and quickly pour it all over the Saltines. Smooth with an offset palette knife or spatula, if you have one; if you don’t, get one immediately – for real, it will change your life. (This would be an awesome time to remember that you forgot to preheat the oven. All is not lost: jack it up quickly – 360F/320F fan, okay?)
            Now, into the oven with the lot for 15 minutes, or until the caramel has darkened to a deep gold. Keep an eye on it, as it can quickly turn. When it’s a good dark colour, remove from the oven and let it cool for a few minutes, then sprinkle the chocolate over the toffee. As the chocolate melts, use your spatula to spread it out evenly – this is extremely satisfying. While the chocolate is still soft, sprinkle over the pistachios and cranberries.
            Allow your salted caramel “crack” to cool (not in the fridge, please), then snap into pieces and store in an airtight container.
            This version is tarted up with some festive pistachio slivers and dried cranberries – you could use any sort of nuts. Or use half dark, half white chocolate and swirl to mix! I’ve also had good results with Schär gluten-free crackers.
            Perfect with bowls of ice cream with a couple of crack shards stuck in like wafers.

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          • Oh my goodness, look at you!!! Thanks muchly–these sound so yummy!! I’ll post the Cheater Fudge on the blog so that anyone who’s interested can have it 🙂 My mouth is watering over the Nuts & Bolts…but I also love caramel… You even write recipes with humor: “bubbling away sullenly”, haha! Thanks for your time and generosity, Doug–sending you fond blessings 🤗

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          • Thanks, Zelda. Can’t claim credit for the wit in the Crack recipe, that’s pure cut and paste from Annabel Crabb’s recipe, which in turn was sent to her by an anonymous listener to her podcast. Annabel hails from my home State of South Australia and is a witty and insightful national politics commentator, an amateur cook’s dream teacher, and dresses 50’s retro style. She ought to be a Living National Treasure. 🙂

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  4. Most fun of Sixes this week!
    (underneath it all, here at the Six Sentence Story bloghop, is the views of other places, parts of the world, both ‘real’ and imagined)
    …and the fun of expert word-wrangling, too!

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