Mt. Gambier stand-up – my first paid gig

Good evening. Great to be back in Mt Gambier.

Pam’s done a great job to put on this show and to get some terrific sponsors and mine’s one of the local chiropractors. And some of the audience here have really dressed for a big occasion. There’s a young lass up the back with a cleavage that would shame the Grand Canyon. Bingo. 30 blokes just got whiplash and my sponsor just went – ka-ching.

In fact my Dad grew up here but of course it was a much smaller place then. It was so small that Bobby Helpmann was the only gay in the village.

My mum and Dad are still alive and going strong well into their 90’s. They say the first person to live to 150 has already been born. Let’s just join our hands in prayer that it’s not one of the Kardashians.

Of course I’m semi-retired these days. I got run over by a truck. I’m alright but the truck was write-off.

These days I’m a business consultant. You give me your watch and I tell you the time, for a 100 bucks an hour. At those prices I’ll even unblock your drains.

I fact I met with one of my clients here this afternoon. You probably know the Reverend Kevin McGillicuddy, better known as Kev the Rev. He was a mechanic before he found his calling so he’s set up the Church of the Sacred Combustion Engine. His followers call themselves Rev heads.

He wanted to know how to get people to focus on the real story of Christmas and fill the collection plate at the same time. So I said, Kev, you’ve got to modernise the story, use words your congregation can relate to.

Forget the virgin birth. You need to talk about divine IVF. You need to say her boyfriend was a chippie called Joe, who did the right thing and was there at the birth. The women will love that.

You have to say all the motels were booked out so they had to doss down in an old shearing shed.

The Wise Men need to turn up in utes, with a slab of Four X Gold, some frankfurts and a mirror ball.

And if you really want to bring the house down, have all the angels dressed in CFS gear. Believe me, your cup will runneth over.

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