Retirement and dogs – My first ever stand-up routine

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Now I know you’ll be shocked that I’m thinking of retiring.  No, no, no, I hear you cry. Not this ageless hipster? Not this suburban Superman?

But alas, I am Superman no more.

These days I’m slower than a startled snail. Unable to leap small frogs. Less powerful than a Labor voter.

But worst of all – I haven’t saved enough money to retire on. I’m Not-Enough-Super Man.

So I’ve been trying out some new business ideas down in the back shed.  

In one corner I’m farting about in my chemistry lab. So far I’m only Breaking Bad Wind.

In another corner I’ve set up a 3-D printer and my neighbours are lining up for Do-It-Yourself hip replacements.

But my most exciting venture is a true example of bleeding edge business thinking, that leverages Pandora out of her box, and runs her up the flagpole, to see who salutes her paradigm shift.

It’s my new line in Boutique Meats for the Barbie.

I’m not talking any old load of tripe of course. I’m talking artisanal snags. Bespoke burgers. Connoisseur skewers.

But here’s the real stroke of triple-bottom-line genius. I’m sourcing all my meat from pests and pets.

So (big drum roll). Goodbye possums and hello possages!

Goodbye stray cats! Hello Moggy burgers!

Farewell fur kids that bark all night. Hello Shoosh Kebabs!

No, I wouldn’t really do that to a dog.

In fact we were burgled the other night and I said to my wife, Sue, I said, ‘Shit, Sue, we need a dog’. 

So I got some mates together and had a GreatDane the country looking for the right dog.

o   One the way we had a flat so I said, I’ll get the spare, you get the jack, Russell.

o   It was a hot day so I said open the window so we can get some air, Dale. It’s getting a bit Staffy in here.

o   We seemed to go for miles so I said ‘we must be near the border, Collie’

o   Finally we saw a farmer with some sheep so I stopped and said ‘Ciao’. He said I don’t speak Italian, I’m a German shepherd.

o   I said ‘that dog rounding up the sheep that’s got hair like seaweed, what breed is that? And he said ‘kelpie’.

o   What about the one that’s chasing that car. ‘Oh, that’s a Holden retriever’

o   In the end we settled for one that would be good with the grandkids – a baby Setter.

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