This vital piece of educational material was produced in response to the weekly photo prompt (which I’ve chosen to interpret as the door of a crypt) from the Unicorn Challenge, run by the Franco-Hibernians, Jenne Gray and C E Ayr.

Crypt – secret underground non-movement headquarters.

Cryptic – Form of gobbledygook designed to make the utterer seem possessed of secret knowledge (when in fact they are simply possessed).

Cryptic crosswords – Arguments between crossword compilers.

Crypt-kicking – Sport invented by adherents to the Monster Mash cult, started by Bobby Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers https://youtu.be/u8uvLHnrqdU

Ecryptology – The study of cryptic posts on the interweb (aka black holes).

Desecryptation – Graffiti scrawled on tombs e.g. ‘My mother made me a ghost’, followed by ‘If I send her the sheet will she make me one?’

Manucrypt – Sacred burial ground of Manchester United, often the site of massed choirs from Liverpool singing ‘You’ll Always Walk Alone’.

Nondescrypts – Ordinary gravesites for complete nonentities.

Typescrypt – List of various forms of crypt, with annotated descryptions.

Cryptomaniac – Person addicted to stealing from tombs e.g. archaeologist Howard Carter, who was cursed up and down and across in hieroglyphics by Pharaoh’s Mummy and Daddy.

Cryptocurrency – form of exchange used by crypt dwellers and gullible nerds

Cryptromancy – love stories set in crypts e.g. Romeo and Juliet – The Sequel

Cryptozoologist – researcher into mythical creatures that survive in crypts and vaults, including the Och Yer Big Jessie Monster, Tinyfoot, The Spaghetti Squash, and the Bunyippy-i-ay Australopithicus.

Crypto-fascists – Men given to wearing brown shirts and standing on fruit boxes at railway stations giving four-hour speeches in Italian about the need for the trains to run on time. (Not to be confused with crypto-Nazis, who plan to wear black shirts when they invade Poland. Again.)