Beyond a joke

Note: The word ‘goes’ for many years was the popular substitution for ‘says’, as immortalised by the TV comic character of Kylie Mole.

 

Stop me if you’ve heard this

but there’s this woman, see,

and she walks into this bloke’s life

(bold as brass)

and she marches up to him and goes

“I’ll have a life friendship, thanks”.

And this bloke goes,

“Sorry, only got ships that pass in the night friendships;

fresh out of life”.

So this woman goes,

“Well, I’ll wait ’til you get one in”.

And the bloke goes,

“Nar, don’t stock ’em any more;

they’re always breakin’ down

and they cost too much to repair”.

So the woman goes,

“Well, I’ll make one then.

I’ve got a bit of spare love

and a mattress on the floor

and a corkscrew

and a high boredom threshold”.

And the bloke goes,

“Alright, alright, but there’s a few conditions”.

So she goes, she goes,

she goes

away.

 

If you took out the pain

For a family grieving a stillbirth.

 

If you took out the pain

and held it up to the light,

would it look like

something that belonged to you?

 

Or would it look like someone else’s fate,

wrongly delivered

by an absent-minded God,

who’d forgotten that you’d taken out love insurance?

 

Or would it look like your karma,

reflecting from your life mirrors,

clear and unambiguous,

like everything else in your life?

 

Or would it look like what it is,

there and inescapable,

painful, inexplicable, ambiguous,

and tattooing a face on your heart

that will live forever?

 

Take out tomorrow

and hold it up to the light;

and make it look like something that belongs to you.

After the burglary

Background: In the 90’s I lived in an inner suburb of Adelaide, where burglaries were rife, and we suffered that intrusion twice.

Our under-things in disarray

they’ve spread our privates wide

and filled our rooms with the sour sobs

the urbanite must abide.

I look for rhyme in what they stole,

the price these objects fetch,

as if they’ll yield a perfect clue,

and fit a formless wretch.

What have we here, what circumstance

has brought them to our nest

to stuff a K-mart pillow slip

with mid-life’s treasure chest?

The underclass in sweet revenge,

retrenched and fighting back?

Or addicts in a frenzied grab

To feed their mother-smack.

All conscience-pricked, I will forgive

their need to take their share

and call for rapid social change

to clear the fettered air.

But deep inside my bowels rage

against the outer grace

and if I find the thieving shits

I’ll smash each mirror face.

Christmas – past present and future

Who knows how long this can continue,

this tenure in the future through collective presents.

Whatever the generations bring,

there will be totems of the past

fixed firmly insistent in each of our minds,

arrayed with faces carved in the hard woods

that only family trees produce

and set, sometimes poles apart, in the family grove.

 

These are some of mine.

 

 Children growing themselves from new numbers each year,

all named and loved and parented in common for a day

with tear-filled eyes, chocolate-coated faces and grinny cheeks,

each hoisted to embrace and admiration,

all feats applauded and all false pride mocked.

 

Food, prepared as sanctioned by time,

in unspoken, ordained ritual by the women,

the bearers of all sustaining life.

 

Men, surrounded by seemingly unobservant boys,

using beer to shorten stretching distances,

quietly competing every hurdle

until a child clings to a leg

and wins.

 

Lives past, sitting patiently in reserved and sacred chairs,

coming back to life in anecdotes

of bastardry and joy.

 

Toddlers and crawlers, excited and bewildered,

knee-deep in wrapping paper and parental nostalgia.

 

Babes at breast, absorbing every nuance

through the pores of their clan skin

and the memories encoded in their mother’s milk.

 

The married-ins, belonging in their separateness

to this caravan, as hopeful and as helpless

as those that followed a certain star

but at least knowing for whom they bear their gifts.

 

And, amidst all, the matriarch unfolds a pattern

and, with skills both ancient and subtle,

draws to her strands unknitted,

in case they ever unravel

and pull the fabric apart.

 

These are my totems, taking firmer shape with each year,

and living beyond any other presents shared.

And they ensure that all our futures

will have at least one day

not alone.

Little Miss Shenanigans

I woke at dawn to re-design our house,

my life,

the organised world

and all who sail in her.

I asked the dawn-bird,

as the only stakeholder in attendance,

to add his thoughts to the Situation Analysis.

Unthrilled and shrill,

he snapped tight his sticky beak

and was unforthcoming,

indifferent

and unmindful of my learning.

I thanked him for the familiar experience.

 

Free at last,

I plotted endless variations

on new children’s tales,

featuring Little Miss Shenanigans,

and her parents, Dreadful and Shameless,

a farter and burper, respectively.

Granted a wish by a leprechaun,

the Little Miss curses her progenitors

with the appearance of a wombat and an emu, respectively,

at each impolite expulsion.

 

Thus, I funned myself to sleep

and woke up to myself,

hoping I’d not slept too long.

Chermoula-topped salmon

Source: Healthy Food Guide

Serves 4

Ingredients

1 tablespoon olive oil
3 teaspoons moroccan spice mix
1 garlic clove, chopped
2 large tomatoes, chopped

2 tablespoons coriander, chopped l red onion, diced

Juice and zest of 2 lemons

4 x 80g salmon fillets

2 sweet potatoes (600g), scrubbed
cooking oil spray
1/2 teaspoon chilli flakes

Salad
4 cups baby spinach

1 red onion, diced
1 celery stalk, diced
4 tablespoons fresh orange juice
2 yellow nectarines, sliced

 

Method
1. Combine olive oil, 2 teaspoons of the moroccan spice, garlic, tomato, coriander, and juice and zest of 1 lemon in a medium bowl to make the chermoula. Season with cracked black pepper and set aside.
2. Mix remaining spice, lemon juice and lemon zest in a small bowl. Brush mixture onto the salmon fillets and set aside,
3. Cut sweet potato into wedges. Bring a large saucepan of water to the boil. Add potato and cook for 5 minutes, or until almost tender, then drain and place on a heated grill pan or barbecue hotplate. Spray potato with cooking oil and sprinkle with chilli flakes. Cook, turning once and spraying with cooking oil again, for l0 minutes, or until potato is crisp and golden.
4. Put all the salad ingredients in a large salad bowl and toss to combine. Grill reserved salmon in pan or on hotplate for 2 minutes per side, or until cooked to your liking. Top
fillets with a little chermoula, and serve with wedges, salad and a side of remaining chermoula.

 

 

 

Burgundian fish stew

Source: David Herbert

Ingredients

1 tablespoon olive oil
2 shallots, chopped
100g diced fatty bacon
or pancetta
1 bay leaf
1/2 teaspoon thyme
1 clove garlic, crushed
1 cup white wine
2 cups fish, chicken or vegetable stock
400g small mushrooms, sliced
800g white fish, cut into cubes

Method

Heat oil in a frying pan over medium heat; add shallots and bacon or pancetta. Cook, stirring occasionally, until shallots are soft, translucent and just beginning to caramelise. Add herbs, garlic, wine and stock. Add sliced mushrooms to pan, bring to the boil, then reduce heat and simmer until tender (10-15 minutes). When nearly ready to serve, add fish and simmer for 7-8 minutes until just done. Season to taste and serve with crusty bread.

Serves 3-4

Slow-roasted pork shoulder with garlic, citrus and coriander

Obviously Jewish and Muslim people and vegans/vegetarians should look away now.

It looks more complicated than it is but believe me it’s well worth the effort for a special occasion.

Source: Alison Roman

In almost any form, a large hunk of pork is predisposed to deliciousness. The sheer size of a pork shoulder, in addition to the abundance of marbled fat throughout, makes it nearly impossible to mess up; unlike a standing rib roast or a rack of lamb, you’re not aiming for rare, which takes a lot of the pressure off. This flavourful cut of meat is best slow cooked, then sliced when it’s just tender enough. That said, if it were to fall apart into melt-in-the-mouth shreddy bits, would that really be the worst thing?

Serves 8

Ingredients
1.6-1.8kg boneless, skinless pork shoulder, any twine or netting removed
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 orange, halved
2 garlic bulbs, halved lengthways
6 thyme sprigs
3 fresh or dried bay leaves .
3 dried red chillies, or 1 teaspoon crushed chilli flakes
2 tablespoons coriander seeds
250ml (1 cup) orange juice
1/2 bunch coriander, thick stems separated from the tender stems and leaves
4 limes, halved

Method

Preheat oven to 165°C. Season pork with salt and pepper.

Heat vegetable oil in a large, heavy- based saucepan (with a lid) over medium-high heat. Sear pork, fat side down, until it’s really well browned, which should take 8-10
minutes. Turn pork over and brown on the other side for another 8-10
minutes.

Transfer to a large serving platter or cutting board, and drain pan of all but 1 tablespoon of fat. Add orange and garlic to pan, cut side down, followed by thyme, bay leaves, chillies and coriander seeds. Cook, stirring for a second, to lightly brown the orange and
garlic.

Add orange juice and 500ml (2 cups) water, stirring to scrape up any bits on the bottom. Return pork to the pan; the liquid should come a little less than halfway up the meat (add more water if it doesn’t).

Cover pan and transfer to oven. Roast pork until it is super-tender; ideally you want to be able to slice it, not shred it. This should take roughly 3-4 hours.

Remove pan from oven and, using tongs or two large serving utensils, transfer pork
to a cutting board and let it rest for a few minutes.
Chop thicker stems of coriander and add to pan with pork juices.
Juice 2 limes into pan, throwing spent limes in, too.

Slice pork and return it to pan with any juices; alternatively, place sliced pork on
a large serving platter and ladle juices over it. Top pork with remaining coriander before serving, along with remaining lime halves for squeezing over.

Mexican tortilla bake

A favorite of my nephew, Joel.

Ingredients
For the mince
1 tbsp olive oil
2 large onions, chopped
500g beef mince
1 mild red chilli, deseeded and finely chopped
1 red pepper deseeded and diced
2 garlic cloves, crushed
1 tbsp ground cumin
1 tbsp ground coriander
2 tbsp tomato purée
1-2 tbsp mango chutney
2 x 400g tins chopped tomatoes
1 small bunch fresh coriander, chopped
salt and freshly ground black pepper

To assemble
3 large tortilla wraps
250g full-fat mascarpone
100g mozzarella grated
100g cheddar

Method
Preheat the oven to 160C/140C
Pour the oil into a large ovenproof frying pan over a medium heat, add the onions and fry for 3 minutes. Turn up the heat, add the mince and fry until brown, breaking the meat up with a wooden spoon and stirring occasionally.
Add the chilli, red pepper, garlic and spices and fry for 5 minutes, or until all the moisture has evaporated and the mixture is quite dry. Stir in the tomato purée, mango chutney, tinned tomatoes and salt and black pepper. Cover with a lid, bring to the boil and transfer to the oven to simmer for an hour.
Remove from the oven and stir in half the coriander. Increase the oven temperature to 2OOC/180C Fan
Spread a third of the cooked mince beef mixture over the bottom of the ovenproof dish and lay one tortilla wrap on top. Spread a third of the mascarpone (see tip) over the tortilla and sprinkle with a third of each of the mozzarella and cheddar cheeses. Repeat twice more so you have 3 layers.
Bake in the oven for about 25 minutes until golden-brown and bubbling. Set aside for 5 minutes before serving and garnish with the remaining coriander.

Recipe Tips
If your mascarpone is firm, you might find it easier to spread the mascarpone on each tortilla first before adding to the dish.
If covered and chilled in the fridge, you can assemble this dish up to 6 hours ahead. Simply bake at 200C/180C Fan for 25 minutes, or until golden and bubbling.

Pear and caramel pudding

Source: David Herbert

One of Sue’s absolute favorites.

PEAR & CARAMEL PUDDING

Ingredients

Butter, for greasing
1 cup plain flour
2/3 cup caster sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
100ml milk
1 egg, beaten
4 ripe pears, peeled and cut into 2cm pieces
1/2 cup chopped pecans

Caramel sauce
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
60g butter, melted
Pinch sea salt
150ml boiling water
Vanilla ice cream, to serve

Method

Preheat oven to 170°C (fan). Grease a 20cm square ceramic baking dish with a little butter. In a large bowl, combine flour, sugar, baking powder, ginger and 1/4 teaspoon of salt. Beat in milk and egg until combined. Stir in pears and pecans. Spoon into prepared dish and place dish on a flat oven tray (this will save your oven if it bubbles over).

Combine brown sugar, melted butter, sea salt and boiling water; pour over the pears. Bake, uncovered, for 45-50 minutes. Serve warm with ice cream. Serves 6-8