The Theory of Irrelativity

/ Doug Jacquier

This piece is a response to the Six Sentence challenge for this week, with the prompt of ‘theory’.

Einstein may well have cracked the code for the way that physical phenomena interact in both special and general ways and led to a new understanding of gravity, despite doubters who discounted his theories on the basis that, in their view, gravity is not real; it’s just that the earth sucks.

Be that as it may, let me posit a Theory of Irrelativity, which suggests that members of families, whose entire interactivity is based on who begat whom in the generational recreational activity of horizontal folk dancing, create a complex web of social interactions and expectations that bear no resemblance to any rational form of connectivity.

Applying the principles of evidence-based science, I put it to you that multiplying the mass of shared DNA (M) with the coefficient of Connectivity (C), multiplied by itself as dictated by social mores, is not equal to the energy (E) applied to the maintenance of the social construct we call ‘families’ and their mythological-based equivalents, ‘friends’.

Indeed, in what other branch of science, especially those based on the Darwinian concept of evolution, would humans choose to congregate in such existentially destructive social events as Christmas, monogamous marriage, dinner parties and mutually incompatible football allegiances.

Hence my Theory of Irrelativity, grounded in the incontrovertible evidence that the likelihood of a person achieving happiness, let alone enlightenment, is inversely proportional to the time they spend with kin and social associates who live on fast food, are emotionally engaged with ‘reality’ TV shows, are active members of Q-anon and poison every interaction with their egocentricity.

Subscribers to my theory will, therefore, go forth and multiply with randomly selected partners from  outside their gene pool, excommunicate their birth families, and choose their friends from responsible compatibility sites, thus ensuring that Bob is never your Uncle (let alone a dinner guest).

28 thoughts on “The Theory of Irrelativity”

  13. Eureka!*
    Fun Six, yo.

    (especially liked the line, “… grounded in the incontrovertible evidence that the likelihood of a person achieving happiness, let alone enlightenment, is inversely proportional to the time they spend with kin and social associates who live on fast food, are emotionally engaged with ‘reality’ TV shows…“)

    *damn! sorry, wrong universal rule discovery

    Liked by 1 person

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  14. And what about my family members i like?

    Meanwhile, as i always say, family, you can’t live with them and there aren’t enough places to hide all the bodies (yes, that’s what passes as a joke in my brain, none of them are worth killing and doing the prison time).

    Liked by 1 person

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