This piece was written for the Six Sentence Challenge, with the prompt word of ‘control’.
Here at Splendiferous* Pharmaceuticals and Incomparable Narcotics (SPIN), we understand the pain and misery suffered by people who have an impaired ability to take charge of their lives in the way that our handsome and beautiful blonde smiling models have, demonstrated by them cycling together around the neighbourhood (wearing their helmets of course) or playing together in their manicured backyard.
Our range of non-addictive products put you back in control of whatever it is you desire in order to achieve self-fulfillment, nirvana, mindfulness and total awesomeness, in comparison to the chaos of random individuality that afflicts so many (as independently tested in our SPIN laboratories by people who would never lie to keep their job).
Some of you will have heard of our prison-emptying product, ConTroll©, a discreet device attached to the wearer’s lockable underwear that sends Bluetooth signals to and from the brain 24/7; at the first contemplation of any misdemeanour or crime, the device wearer loses all control of their bodily functions (as we say, s**t doesn’t happen because s**t happens if it does).
Our newest release is Fat Controller (under licence from Thomas the Tank Engine Inc), which is an implant in your jaw that snaps it shut at the first sight of fast food or chocolate (and no, despite the rumours, we are not in negotiations with McDonalds for a scratch-and-win bypass key).
More familiar to most of you will be our Content-mint© pills, patches and nasal sprays (absolutely non-addictive and available without prescription) that slow down your metabolism to the ideal chill range for the circumstances (see our Netflix bundle deal for massive savings on both).
Finally, congratulations to Buckbuck McGurk, a chicken farmer from Redneck, South Australia, who has just won our SPIN slogan competition with ‘If you’re out of Control, you’re out of control’**; a lifetime supply is on its way!
* Borrowed from the immortal Zorba the Greek, who was definitely out of control. https://youtu.be/RPaSQ2Fda98
** Re-purposed from ‘If you eat All-Bran, you don’t need All-Bran’.
This is fantastic! I love it! Thank you for posting! 😁
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This is sardonically delightful! Well done ! 😊
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Thank you, Gypsie. Kind as always.
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You are most welcome! 😊
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Say, do those ConTroll undies come in politician, and former Prez sizes? We could use a gross up here in the States.
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One size fits all miscreants. 🙂 And bless you for knowing what a gross is.
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😂 Gross, in all its definitions, fits here!
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🙂
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I like that prison-emptying product triggered with the first contemplation of any misdemeanor.
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🙂
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SPIN – what isn’t nowadays, Doug, lol
Anthony Quinn – I never saw this movie though remember hearing about it in younger days. Good lessons.
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‘In younger days’!. Make me feel ancient why don’t you. 🙂 btw you can rent Zorba on YouTube.
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Yeah D…add this to your Watch later whatyouhaventseenthisyet! list
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Full of funnies and bon mots.
My favourite is Content-mint©
Bonzer blog, blue!
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Many thanks, ce. Ironically, like my most redheads (ah, the memories) of my generation in Australia I was often referred as Blue or Bluey. I was never very keen on that sobriquet, given that common Australian slang for carrying your swag was ‘humping your bluey’. 😉
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Brilliant from beginning to end, well done Doug.
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Many thanks, Keith
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So well done, Doug! Loved it. Zorba’s performance is an added bonus.
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Many thanks, Chris.
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This would be totally humorous if it were not so stunningly approaching truth. I chuckled as my stomach turned, just the same.
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Many thanks, Susan. Then my work here is done. As for the stomach churning bit, perhaps I need to add a ‘potential side effects’ disclaimer e.g. may cause stomach upsets, please use only as directed. 😉
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🤣 Excellent idea.
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Oh for an imagination like yours Doug!!! 🤣 Brilliant.
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Many thanks, you are too kind. If there is a secret to letting your imagination run wild, it is to stop censoring it in your head and write like you have Tourette’s (not necessarily the sweary bits). 😉
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I’d so love to master that!
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Funny and clever, made me laugh, but made me think too – unlike most of what passes for news and publicity which (tries to) tell me what to think!
I reckon we should all have taken to the streets the first time the word ‘spin’ was used as something acceptable. Why not just call it what it is: lies, damned lies!
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Many thanks, Jenne. Unfortunately, the spinners would have spun the introduction of spin as a good thing. But you’re right the only proper place for spin is in the washing machine or on a cricket pitch. 🙂
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Always good to have some semblance of control, Doug, even if it isn’t your own!
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Indeed it does, Tom, especially if you are a miscreant. 🙂
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